When TikTok user @Mur said, “SZA makes music for b*tches with high self-esteem and low self-worth,” I nearly dropped my phone. Whew, she really hit a nerve! That phrase had me reflecting on my own life and former relationships like gotdamnit! I didn’t know I needed to hear it, but I did. It hit way too close to home for many of us, especially those who see themselves in SZA’s raw, lyrical vulnerability. I'm not-NOT a SZA fan, but I haven't taken a deep dive into her discography. The only song I've played on repeat is "Hit Different."
Anyways, high self-esteem but low self-worth might sound like an oxymoron, but it’s a reality that too many of us know all too well. You’re confident, accomplished, and absolutely that girl in your career or friendships. But behind the scenes—especially in romantic relationships—you might question your value, overcompensate for someone else’s lack of effort, or stay in situations that don’t reflect the queen you know you are.
Let’s explore how this disconnect happens, why it’s so common, and, most importantly, how you can bridge the gap.
Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth: What’s the Difference?
Before we go any further, let’s define the two. Self-esteem is what fuels your confidence and ability to shine. It’s tied to your achievements, external image, and the energy you project to the world. Think: “I look good, I’m killing it at work, and I’m a catch.” Self-esteem is powerful, but it’s often conditional.
Self-worth, on the other hand, is about internal validation. It’s the quiet, unshakable belief that you are inherently valuable, even when you’re not accomplishing, proving, or pleasing. It’s saying, “I am enough,” whether you’re thriving or struggling.
The disconnect between self-esteem and self-worth happens when you rely heavily on external validation to feel good about yourself but lack the internal belief that you’re worthy of love, care, and respect just as you are. It’s like having a beautifully decorated house with shaky foundations—it looks great from the outside, but any pressure can cause it to crumble.
Signs of High Self-Esteem and Low Self-Worth
This disconnect often shows up most in romantic relationships. Here are some common signs:
You advocate for others but struggle to ask for what you need.
You feel confident about your looks or accomplishments but stay silent when your feelings are hurt.
You accept less than you deserve while convincing yourself, "It’s fine."
Does any of this resonate? If so, you’re not alone. To help you identify these patterns more clearly, let’s break them down further.
Chart: Romantic Behaviors That Show the High Self-Esteem/Low Self-Worth Disconnect
Behavior | Example |
Settling for bare minimum effort | Convincing yourself he’s “busy” while excusing consistent lack of communication. |
Publicly flaunting the relationship | Posting couple pics while feeling privately neglected or emotionally drained. |
Avoiding conflict to “keep the peace” | Staying silent about what bothers you to avoid being seen as “too much.” |
Overperforming to earn love | Planning elaborate dates or gifts to prove your worth in the relationship. |
Fear of being alone | Staying in unfulfilling relationships to avoid being single. |
Seeking validation through appearance | Always dressing up for him but feeling unseen when vulnerable or unfiltered. |
Allowing inconsistent behavior | Excusing his lack of effort because “at least he texts sometimes.” |
Measuring your worth through his actions | Feeling “less than” if he doesn’t show interest or prioritize you. |
Ignoring your intuition | Overriding red flags with the hope that he’ll “change.” |
Self-sacrificing for love | Giving up your goals or needs to keep him happy. |
Performing confidence | Acting unbothered when, deep down, you’re hurt or disappointed. |
Overcompensating emotionally | Taking responsibility for fixing his issues while neglecting your own. |
Making excuses for mistreatment | “He’s just stressed right now,” or “He’s not used to someone like me.” |
Comparing yourself to others | Feeling inadequate if his attention shifts or he compliments someone else. |
Doubting your instincts | Second-guessing yourself when you know something feels off. |
The Role of Music: How Artists Like SZA Reflect This Struggle
SZA’s latest album, SOS, is an emotional rollercoaster that perfectly encapsulates the tension between high self-esteem and low self-worth. On Love Language, she sings, “Teach me how to love you, I’m unlearning what ain’t right,” capturing the struggle of trying to rewrite relational patterns while battling self-doubt.
On Blind, SZA admits, “I can’t see I’m blind,” a nod to the way we often ignore our own needs and instincts in pursuit of love. It’s a soundtrack for the inner conflict of wanting to feel worthy but settling for less.
Other Artists and Songs to Explore:
Beyoncé: Me, Myself and I – A reclamation of self-worth after emotional neglect.
Jazmine Sullivan: Girl Like Me – Reflects the sting of rejection and comparison.
Summer Walker: Session 32 – A vulnerable anthem about emotional pain and longing.
The Root Cause: Why This Disconnect Exists
So, how does this happen? Many of us were raised in environments where love and validation were tied to our performance. Maybe you were praised for being smart, pretty, or talented, but your emotional needs were dismissed. Over time, this teaches you that your value lies in what you do, not who you are.
For Black women, this is compounded by societal narratives that demand we be strong, self-sacrificing, and unshakable. Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, so we learn to hide it—even from ourselves.
Bridging the Gap: Aligning Self-Esteem with Self-Worth
The good news? You can rewrite this story. Here’s how:
Self-Reflection: Ask yourself, “Where am I seeking external validation? What am I afraid of if I stop?”
Set Boundaries: Practice saying no and asserting your needs. Start small and celebrate every step.
Seek Therapy: Professional support can help you unpack the roots of your disconnect and build healthier patterns.
Community Support: Join spaces like Mental Health Monarchs to connect with others on a similar journey.
Reflection Prompts
When do I feel most confident? When do I feel most insecure?
Do my relationships reflect how I want to be treated, or do I make excuses for poor behavior?
How does my childhood experience with love and validation influence my romantic choices today?
Crowning Thoughts
You deserve to feel worthy of love just as you are—not because of what you do, but because of who you are. Check out the Mental Health Monarchs blog for more insights if this resonates with you. Join the Welcome Wing or our Art, Music, and Fashion group, and stay tuned for our upcoming music therapy podcast, where we’ll dissect lyrics like SZA’s through a mental health lens. Let’s heal for real, together.
Now it’s your turn! Does this article resonate with your experience? Have you noticed this disconnect between confidence and worth in your relationships? Which track is your favorite on SZA's new album and why? Share your thoughts in the comments below—I’d love to hear your perspective. Let’s start a conversation that helps us all reign over our worth together.
Comments